I’m Leaving Tomorrow

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD *deep breath* *hyperventilate* *panic attack* Repeat.

Yup. That’s definitely how I feel.

It’s really happening. I have never felt so unprepared for a trip in my life. I don’t even know where in Helsinki I’ll be staying in three weeks time! What am I doing?

Writing these posts have brought up loads of memories from my childhood, for some odd reason. I was an ambitious young girl. I wanted to be Celine Dion at one point, then I discovered the Spice Girls and decided I really really really REALLY wanted to be them. And then I grew up and began watching loads of travel shows and I wanted to be a travel host on TV. The idea of travelling as a job, the concept of being paid to meet new people, learn new cultures, eat good food sounded too good to be true. And then I decided I wanted to go into marketing, not just any marketing but social media marketing because I’m forward thinking like that.

And then I graduated with a Marketing and Psychology degree and couldn’t find an internship that paid… Life am I right?

I remember Samantha Brown and Asha Gill taking me around India and Germany and Bali through my TV screen. I can’t believe that I’ll get to visit the places I’ve always heard about, and it all begins tomorrow.

I spent my last day in London fussing over what to pack. It just hit me that that’s the silliest thing to waste time over. It’s not like I’ll remember that long blue skirt 20 years from now, I’ll remember walking along the Berlin Wall or just discovering some cool graffiti sprayed on some awesome looking wonderfully hipster door. I’m so silly.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff”, people tell me. “But the devil’s in the details!!”, I mentally shout back. But in all honesty, I’m so tired of planning, I just want to go.

I’m also terrified. I’m scared that I’ll run out of money before my time’s up. I’m scared that I’ll get lost and end up in a ditch somewhere. I’m scared that I’ll be so frustrated that I just want to call it quits and head home. I’m scared that I’ll offend a stranger. I’m scared that I won’t make friends, I’m incredibly socially awkward (if only you knew what the running commentary in my head was like). I’m scared of what’s out there.

I usually give myself 3 seconds to freak out.

But then again, I’ve never done anything that didn’t both scare me and fill me with an overwhelming sense of peace and calm.

It’s a very strange feeling but it’s one that I know is right for me at this moment in time. It feels like I’m jumping off a cliff into very blue but deep waters. That split second of fear before jumping because you’re not sure if the water will be as cold as you expect. And that feeling you get when you’re about to swim back up to the surface and you’re shocked by how deep you’ve ended up and wonder if you’ve taken a large enough gulp of oxygen beforehand.

Yet, over and over again, I seem to make it back up in time. And then I run up and prepare for my next jump.